The ups and downs of this depression have become more than I've wanted to deal with. It feels like there's no solution. That I'll being dealing with it for the rest of my life. And yesterday I became angry at God. Why is there no solution? Why don't you end this? Why don't you let something work to take it away or take me home.
Today, I heard the song from Casting Crowns "Who Am I" This was a song that God brought into my life another time when I was struggling with my life. It reminds me that I'm small in comparison to His will for my life. Romans 8:28 tells me He works all things for my good.
I can't say that I'm finding this easy to let go of. That there isn't a part of me that says, okay you want this for my good, but please won't you let it end now. But I am glad that though I'm thick headed and don't always remember lessons learned or find them hard to put into practice, He still loves me.
5 comments:
Robin, I find myself doing the same thing as you at times. Everything seems to be going really great and then your thoughts start repeating the same patterns. This is when I draw closer to God in word and prayer. He is the only one who can change those thoughts and replace it with His thoughts for you. I care about your pain and will keep you in prayer this week. God can do exceedingly abundantly more than we can ask or imagine. You are in the Father's hands. Allow Him to mold your life and remember his thoughts and ways are not the same as yours. He cares for you.
Brian, thank you. I really appreciate you. You are a real blessing in my life
Robin, I dont know you personally, and I know you dont know me. Sometimes I think I dont matter to anyone much at all. But I hope my prayers for you matter and I hope you feel better. When I'm depressed, I look around me and I cant help feeling, even through my depression, how wonderful he must be to have made those big trees outside my window, my dogs soft fur under my hand, and my own heart that beats in my chest. I lost two of my siblings within months of each other, and their hearts dont beat any more but mine does. I want my heartbeat to mean something to someone. While my own heart beats, I pray for you and I hope you feel better every day. God has a plan for all of us, and this is all for a reason. I know what it feels like to feel depressed, but I know in my heart that all things are in His plan. Someday you'll look back on this and say, oh, I see how this made me stronger and more able to help someone else...
Thank you Kaizen! Your prayers are appreciated very much. I am trusting God that this will be for His glory. Though in my own humanity I don't know how He can use someone like me. But I praise Him that He does. And that He places people in my life, like you, who remind me.
Robin, I like Kaizen's comment. I believe she has a piece of the puzzle that solves depression. How can my life be useful to others who go through pain? Reach out and minister to others going through the same struggles as she is going through. May we use our lives to be an encouragement to others. I don't understand what you are going through, but my prayers our with you> May you feel the love of Christ that only He can give may He be your comfort and close friends in days to come. Know also that I am your friend.
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