Lessons forgotten

The ups and downs of this depression have become more than I've wanted to deal with. It feels like there's no solution. That I'll being dealing with it for the rest of my life. And yesterday I became angry at God. Why is there no solution? Why don't you end this? Why don't you let something work to take it away or take me home.
Today, I heard the song from Casting Crowns "Who Am I" This was a song that God brought into my life another time when I was struggling with my life. It reminds me that I'm small in comparison to His will for my life. Romans 8:28 tells me He works all things for my good.
I can't say that I'm finding this easy to let go of. That there isn't a part of me that says, okay you want this for my good, but please won't you let it end now. But I am glad that though I'm thick headed and don't always remember lessons learned or find them hard to put into practice, He still loves me.

"Quench my thirst"

The struggle with depression and anxiety is on again. It's actually been going on since the late summer. And I'm really trying to trust God on why it continues. The question of why doesn't He heal me has been going around in my brain. But God reassures me that He created me, He knows me intimately and He has a purpose.
I just read a devotion in which the author's sister has MS and the author had lost hope. She wrote a prayer at the end of the devotion that struck a chord in my heart.
"...Please quench my thirst for understanding with reassurance of Your faithfulness. I ask that you guard my heart from the temptation to focus on the problem, instead of the One who holds everything in His hands."
And this verse has come to mind; "I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:10

"Oh, I'm a failure!"

(In case you don't recognize the quote, it's from the Scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz)

I have to confess that the previous blog and the frustration I mentioned comes out of a feeling of personal failure. The Sunday School class that I know God has directed me to teach is not doing well. There is usually only about 3 others there. And I question, "what am I doing wrong?" I know that what is personal failure to me doesn't matter as long as I'm doing what the Lord asks of me. Still, it does bother me alot!!!
So, to any I've offended with what I wrote I apologize for the offense. In my opinion, Sunday School and church should be priorities in Christian's lives. But, you have to do what God is directing you to do. Just pray to see what His will is in regards to Sunday school and church.

Is attending church required?

Since I grew up in a Christian home every Sunday we had to attend church and Sunday School. The only time you didn't go was if you were sick. So, I brought this question up to the Sunday school class 2 weeks ago, is it being legalistic to say as a Christian you have to attend church (and Sunday school)? The Bible says "don't forget the assembling of yourselves."
I'm not a person who believes you have to go to church everytime the doors are open, nor do I think that there isn't time when it is okay to stay home, but it seems in our society that people only go when it is convenient. And it seems that other things in our lives become a higher priority than worship on Sunday mornings. "I work hard all week, it's the only day I get to sleep in." "The grass needed mowing." etc, etc. So, then it leads me to other questions, if I don't go to church then when do I find time to fellowship not only with other believers but with God himself? When do I take time to worship? And if I have children isn't it important for them to learn the Bible stories? Which brings up me to something else that bothers me about not attending; what about our kids? As a Christian parent I'm responsible for them and their spiritual training. So, if I don't attend church or Sunday school what about their learning?
I have to admit that this particular blog posting is coming out of frustration. Even one of my own children doesn't see Sunday school and church as a priority. And every Sunday morning I come in from Sunday school and see families who are only attending church services and don't bring their kids for Sunday school.
Okay, so, am I being too legalistic. Yes, I know that to a degree I am. So, tell me what do you think about this subject.

Time

From a devotional I was reading today: " 2 Peter 3:10 But the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night, in which the heavens will pass away with a great noise: and the elements will melt with fervent heat; both the earth and the works that are in it will be burned up.
There is a day coming when this earth will burn and those of us in Christ will be safe with Him. For those not in Christ, they will spend eternity forever separated from Him in a terrible place called Hell."
In this past week 3 celebrities have passed away. One of whom was completely unexpected. My immediate thought when I heard about Michael Jackson was that he's probably now in hell. How many more do we see everyday who face the same eternity? What are we doing to bring them to Christ? We go to church every Sunday, worship, sing songs but then what do we do? How are we (how am I) reaching out to others that are lost? There's a world out there dying to know Jesus.
Lord, here am I. Use me!

Praise God from whom all blessings flow

My Blessings!!!
1: Friday night I started my vacation!!! A week of relaxing. I only have minimal plans and the rest of the time I'll take the moments as they come.
2: This past weekend my family had a surprise 50th birthday party for me. Praise you God, for such a family. Gary and the kids had a quilt made for me that is just beautiful.
3. I survived Darien Lake amusement park. On Sunday Kels, Rachael, Tim and I spent the day there. My wonderful daughter in law believes that when you ride roller coaster you have to ride the front seat. Kels and I sat behind her in the second row. What a rush!!! I prayed alot as we went up the hills and screamed even more as we came down the hills.

Dear Father, You have blessed me with many, many things. I thank you for Jesus. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for my family. Thank you for a chance to refresh this week physically, emotionally and spiritually.
May my life this week please you
In Jesus Name
Amen

Kelsey

My thoughts for this blog had been that it wasn't going to be about my everyday life. That it was going to only be about my walk as a Christian. But, tonight my heart is heavy. My 18 yr old has just graduated from high school and she has no direction.
But my sadness for her is not really all about that. Kelsey is still a child in so many ways. And she's deeply afraid. And along with all of that she really needs Jesus. At 5 she asked Him into her heart but now she needs to KNOW Him.
Please pray for her. Please pray for Gary & I that we have the wisdom needed to help her.

trial of faith

"Faith by its very nature must be tested and tried. And the real trial of faith is not that we find it difficult to trust God, but that God's character must be proven trustworthy in our own minds."
Oswald Chambers

Christian Love

Well, as you can see I'm still on this thing with love. So many times we hear from people who don't want to become Christians because of how Christians act. Now I want to tell them to quit looking at us and instead for them to look at Christ. But we told that others will know we are followers of Christ because of our love. So, I think about do I show others, including my family, the love of Christ?
In todays Meadville Tribune there is an article about a young man who was suspended from college because of being an actor in gay porn movies. The college, Grove City, is a Christian college and those who attend there know that. So, I agree that some action needs to be taken. I just pray for the people involved. That they will show true Christian love in there disciplinary action.
As for showing love to others, I truly believe that it's the only way others will want to know Jesus. They aren't going to find Him attractive because we go to church, or read our bibles. And it truly saddens me when my own human-ness (did I spell that right?) gets in the way.

Love

Why is it easier to show love to outsiders than it seems to be to show it to your own family? I care about the customers that I see at our bank and it's not hard to be kind to them. But when I get home it's like the mean part of me comes out. And it concerns me because I love my family deeply, much more than I love my customers or any others outside of my home. So, I've been thinking about what love actually is.
I Corinthians 13 says love is patient, kind, not envious, not proud or boastful. It isn't rude or self-seeking, it's not easily angered...... The part of this section of scripture that hit me today was, it keeps no record of wrong. How many times in an argument does something from the past get brought up? And in comparison to my meager attempt at love, Christ's love has TOTALLY wiped out my past. He simply doesn't even remember it. Jesus will never say to me, "Yes, but you did this and this and this. What an awesome thing!!! Christ love is so perfect. I want to love my family, as well as others, with this kind of love
So, as I continue to grow in Christ, I pray that His love will become perfect in me. And that I can love with that love.
Jesus, I truly praise and thank You that You have wiped my past away and remember that you no longer remember my sins. Thank You Jesus!!!!!

God's lovingkindness

Lovingkindness. This word kind of jumped out at me this morning as I was reading Psalms 40. Do I know what it is? Can I give it a definition? Sometimes I think I've been a Christian for so long that I take these truths for granted.
So, to my few readers (and thank you for reading this meager blog) would you please share with me your definition of God's lovingkindness.
Thanks

What A Day!!!

"Praise God from whom all blessings flow." This line keeps going through my mind. And I truly do praise Him today.
God has blessed Gary and I with 3 great kids. Today was Matt's 21st birthday. He's such a great guy!
Also, Kelsey just got her driver's permit this past Saturday. And today, being the wise mom that I am, (cough, cough) thought it would be a good idea for her to drive on the wet roads. And yes, you guessed it, we had an accident. But because of God's protection neither of us was hurt. And the car, as far as we can tell, has minor damage.
So, "Praise God from whom all blessings flow."

Assembling Together

In Hebrews 10:24-25 we're told to "consider how to stir one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another....."

I've never had an answer for people who say they don't need to go to church to worship God on Sunday. That they can do that anywhere. Well, today I realized why I need to attend church on Sunday mornings and it's much more than worship. It's because I need that stirring and the encouraging that comes from being with my sisters and brothers in Christ.

Being known

(Though I'm just writing God, I'm including Christ in this as well. One word for both Beings. I'm not sure about the Holy Spirit yet. Because even though they are one, relationally, I'm not sure how to wrap my brain around how to address Him in this writing.)
In the last few months God has placed either articles, conversations or books in front of me that speak of His love and a relationship with Him. And though I've been a Christian for over 35 yrs I haven't had a clear relationship with Him. It's been more about a saviour and being saved and less about being a daughter to the King. And though I've prayed to God as Father and sought His face and wanted to do His will and to please Him I realize that I haven't really known God. What I'm discovering is this truly personal Father (Saviour and Brother) who loves me. And it's amazing. In my pastor's sermon on Sunday and today in a message I heard from Chuck Swindoll, they both spoke on being about to go to God in prayer, boldly and privileged. How it's my right as a daughter to be able to do this. I was taught this growing up but it just never really hit home until now.
[My words are woefully inadequate in describing how this is impacting me.]
Being known is frightening. A psychologist I've been seeing gave me an article today. And while reading it I realize that as much as I want to be known it's scary. It creates a vulnerability.
And I thought about God's love, how huge it is, how He already knows me, how He always has. And I feel His arms holding me.

God's love

"You have loved us first, O God, alas! We speak of it in terms of history as if You loved us first but a single time, rather than that without ceasing You have loved us first many times and everyday and our whole life through. When we wake up in the morning and turn our soul toward You - You are there first - You have loved us first; if I rise at dawn and at that same second turn my soul toward You in prayer, You are there ahead of me, You have loved me first. When I withdraw from the distractions of the day and turn my soul toward You, You are there first and thus forever. And we speak ungratefully as if You have loved us first only once."

A prayer by Soren Kierkegaard

I want to live in a monastery

I understand why monks like to live in monasteris. I really enjoy being in church. When I'm there I don't want to leave. It's like my heart and soul are finally quiet enough that I hear God speaking and can sense His presence. Even now, sitting here typing, I want to sense that communion that I had there. And I know it's not the building. It's not the pastor or Sunday school class. It's hard to put into words what it actually is. But my soul longs for it, cries for it. Maybe it has to do with what I wrote a few sentences ago about being quiet, listening, communing.
Rick Warren, the author of The Purpose Driven Church, along with others is putting out a new magazine. In it, he has written an article on how to have quiet time with God. He wrote, "where you have your quiet time is just as important as when. .......... Wherever you choose, make it a sacred place - a place you set aside to meet each day with the Lord of the universe." I guess that's what I feel like when I've been at church, I've met with the Lord of the universe and I just want to stay there. Because much of my time spent in devotions or reading "Christian" magazines is just going through religious motions. That I'm doing them for appearance.

Sing!

A while ago God spoke to me and told me to sing a new song. I took it literally in meaning to singing new music. But now I don't believe that's right. I believe it has to do with singing with a new attitude. I've looked at singing as a chore. When singing with the worship team at church I've looked at it as a duty. When singing special music I've looked at it with fear and anxiety. Instead, sing as an act of worship.

Recession? What Recession?

A professor of a friend of mine (Hi Kim!) said he's not participating in the recession. He knows that God will take care of all his needs.
I'm having trouble at work and have received my first warning about it. (You get 2 or 3, then probation) But, since I've been at my job almost 4 yrs. I can't believe I'd get that many warnings or probation before I'd be fired. And I'm afraid to lose my job. We count on my paycheck and I carry our health insurance.
Now, like Kim's professor I know in my head that God will not forsake us. He'll meet all of our needs. But my heart is having a tough time trusting.
And my God will supply every need of yours according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus
Philippians 4:19 (ESV)

Inauguration

Today, this is a bit of a rant.
Tomorrow is the inauguration of our 44th president, Barack Obama. I have to admit that I am not a fan of the man. People are fawning over him like he's going to be the savior of all our countries ills. There are some of his policies that I do not agree with. Before anyone comments on this, let me say I lost alot of respect for George Bush and I thought John McCain was a doofus. To be completely honest, I do not trust politicians in general. Especially those who have been in office for years.
This morning though during my devotions, the author wrote about about those in our government. Her verse was 1 Timothy 2:1-2 "I urge, then, first of all, that request, prayer, intercession and thanksgiving be made for everyone - for kings, and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness."
I do not have a problem praying the "request, prayer, and intercession" but at this point I just don't think I can be thankful for him (or our politicians in general). But it is commanded so I will try my best to do this.
This was the author's prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for our national leaders. Allow their hearts to be open to Your wisdom and guidance. Remind me to pray for them fervently and frequently. In Jesus' name, Amen.
Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God.
Romans 13:1 (NIV)

Help Wanted

49 yr old Christian woman, seeking a mature Spirit-filled mentor.

I've been praying for several months for a woman mentor. Currently I go to my pastor with problems that need a spiritual answer. But, there are times when a woman would be a more appropriate person.

Abba, Father

This has not been the best of days. There were several issues that came up at work today. One of which is that I'm on a 90 day probation. See, I'm a bank teller and the last 3 months I have been having trouble getting my drawer to balance. So, though I'm not surprised by the probation, I am disheartened by it. I keep reminding myself that if I lost my job God will take care of my family and myself. He's never forsaken me. My family and I have never lacked food or clothing. We've never been late on a bill. The verse I keep hearing right now in my head is "I've never seen the righteous forsaken or their seed begging for bread."
But, I do have a need right now to feel secure. Abba, Father, hold me in your arms and please help me to feel safe.
Truthfully, this week God has answered a prayer. My daughter, Kelsey, who is 18, had her gall bladder removed. She went into surgery at 7:15 and we were home by 11:15. And I know that
her 'success' is due to the fact that so many people have prayed for her and God in His abundant love has answered.
As for the first paragraph, it becomes a matter of fear as well as insecurity. And God is faithful. I just have to remember this and rest in that fact and His love.
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. Romans 5:3 & 4

My New Years prayer.

Dear Jesus, thank you for giving me this year of growing in you. Lord, thank you that you have protected my family and myself from and tragedy. Thank you for bringing answers to prayer. Thank you Lord, for family and friends that you have placed in my life. Thank you for their love.

Lord, in this new year may you find me bowing before you as your servant. May my heart truly be a servant's heart. Lord, if it pleases you, use me to show others your love and your forgiveness. Lord, in my humanity I am weak. I fail you. Please help me to keep my focus on you and on the fact that you are my Rock and my Deliverer.